dimanche 7 novembre 2010

Blessings in the Dark

For the last ten years of my life, I have been blessed with depression. Let me be clear, at the lowsest of the low nothing seems like a blessing. The dark and in a fetal position in bed are what sustains you. You live looking for your next breath and the energy to brush your teeth. If everything going your way, that day, a shower and hot meal are paradise, nirvana. And tomorrow comes and you start again. But in your bed, your island of peace, you have alot of time to think when anxiety doesn't take over. You can decide what is what. Who is whom in your life.

You want to gloss over your failures, laps in jugement and failled opportunities. But they still get at the forefront of your brain. Getting better means stop obessing over the little slight, insult or bullying that happen in your life. You have to rebuilt yourself, inside out. No time for anyone's drama but your own. For once in your life you get to be selfish and just be.

When you come out of the dark, a new energy is in you. You just want to be authentic. When you accept the crazy chemistry of your brain, you are almost cured.

So for me my blessings in the dark were:
  • I get to just be smelly, crazy and obess without explanation;
  • I get to be original, overly cheerful and dancing for no reason;
  • My passions are what defines me like the love of my familly;
  • My familly is all of those you cared when I was less than what I should be and they still loved me;
  • Depression isn't more complicated than diabet, chemistry in different part of the brain that doesn't work.
After that decade, I just get to be. No explanation necessary